Until recently, I had never experienced living without chronic stress and anxiety. Even my earliest memories are tinted with stress and worry. My brain has always felt somewhat chaotic and very rarely felt as though it was focused on the moment. I was either thinking about something in the past that I totally screwed up or thinking about something in the future that I assumed I would somehow mess up. What a horrible way to live! And the worst part–I thought this was 100% normal. I didn’t even know that there was a different way of living. A way of living that quiets the chaotic bran chatter and allows you to live in the moment and enjoy what is happening as it happens. Or calmly respond to the challenges that inevitably arise in life.
I did the best I could to manage my chaotic brain or the “Tiny Jill” running around in my brain causing problems, as my husband refers to it. It worked throughout my childhood, through college and even through my first-born. I managed stress by doing everything possible to avoid creating stressful situations. I got all As, earned the monthly employee award every single month, got the necessary promotions, etc. Even motherhood was manageable when I only had one!
Life started to unravel with the arrival of my son. He had some medical issues, which added additional stress. Not to mention the fact that it becomes very difficult to manage stressful situations when additional humans are added to the equation. So as you can imagine, things got pretty rough with the addition of my third. At this point, I completely collapsed. I was exhausted–mentally and physically.
I wish I could say that I figured it all out quickly, but that would be a lie. Life continued to “be lifey” so to speak and chaos reigned in my mind. Add in a divorce, a new husband, three additional humans, a global pandemic, multiple children with ADHD, dyslexia, and a never ending, highly contentious custody battle with a narcissist and I was living in chronic stress and/or depression.
Eventually, I concluded that I was bad at life and I would likely never figure it out. Therapy helped a little and I knew that reading helped, but it didn’t last. I numbed myself (hello mom wine culture & Amazon) because it was too much to feel it all. I was not only feeling all of my emotions, but I was absorbing all of the emotions around me and believe me, there are A LOT of emotions in my house.
About two years ago, I started to find pieces of the puzzle of life. EMDR therapy played a crucial role in this shift. EMDR is a somatic based therapy that engages the body and the brain, allowing your brain to rewire and heal. Reparenting my younger self allowed me to lessen the anxiety tint of my memories by allowing myself to see the situation with the understanding of an adult. I joined a Wellness Space that offers a variety of somatic therapies, learned yoga, trained in transcendental meditation and joined an online recovery group. Connection. That was the final piece that allowed me to more frequently live in a grounded state, free from constant anxiety. I met a woman through this group and we have been texting or leaving each other voice messages every day for almost a year! Why? Because you cannot heal alone. Healing is always better together.
Which leads me to the creation of my business: Jill Marneé. I want to help other women who find themselves in a similar situation. Women who know that there must be more to life than: exhaustion, chronic anxiety/depression, narcissistic abuse, and overwhelm. Women who desperately want to be able to live in a grounded state so that they can enjoy their children rather than tolerate motherhood. Women who feel as though they are not enough or worthy of love.
We are not born with the knowledge of how to regulate our emotions. It is something that must be taught and most people are never taught. No blame here–parents are doing the best that they can with the knowledge that they have and their own nervous system dysregulation. If you are unsure of how to do this, it’s okay. The good news–the process is not overly complicated! Anyone can do it and there’s never been a better time to start than now! It is not an overnight process; it takes time and dedication and consistency, but it is well worth it.
If you are struggling with substance misuse, a challenging divorce, parenting, work life/balance, etc., and are ready to make a shift in your own life, I would be honored to support you along the way. Remember–healing is always better together!
