Webster defines curiosity as:  “…the feeling of wanting to learn or discover something, often about things that are unknown or familiar. It’s a desire to explore and investigate as well as a powerful motivator for human development, progress, and learning.” In terms of Internal Family Systems (IFS), it is a warm willingness to ask: “What is going on here?” Rather than judging my reaction, I ask: “What was my reaction protecting.”

When was the last time that you felt curious about yourself? I will admit that applying curiosity to myself is not something that I ever thought about doing. Or if I did, it was definitely was not a regular practice. Why would I need to be curious about myself? I’ve literally known myself my entire life! How is it even possible to be curious when I know everything there is to know about myself?

I have very quickly discovered that there is a lot for me to be curious about in terms of why I react the way I do in certain situations. For example, I used to feel angry every time I had to repeat myself to my kids. Is it annoying when kids don’t listen? Of course it is. It is also completely normal to have to repeat yourself; especially when you have as many kids as I do! Even if I only have to repeat myself to 1/3 of the kids, that’s still two additional times, assuming they are both listening at the same time, which inevitably, is never the case. My brain knew that kids not listening was normal and repeating myself was within the realm of “normal motherhood,” but my body never felt normal. I could feel my heart rate pick up, I often felt hot, and I would find it difficult to slow down racing thoughts in my head.

One day, I decided to try to find the root-cause of this anger. In my role as a coach in Corporate America, I taught teams how to do a root-cause analysis and the simplest way to do it is the “5 Whys.” Ask why until you can’t ask why anymore. Anger is a protector. It is the body’s way of telling you that something is wrong and you are in danger, but in this case, my body was hijacking me. I was safe. Repeating something to children is a perfectly normal occurrence. So what was going on? Why the anger?

What I eventually figured out is that it had absolutely nothing to do with the kids or even the fact that I had to repeat myself. Deep down, I felt unheard. I felt as though my voice didn’t matter. This is something that I learned has been present throughout much of my life. And feeling unheard hurts. We all want to feel as though our voice matters. So my body was using anger to protect me from the pain of feeling unheard, regardless of the fact that this situation was completely different.

This discovery has helped me immensely with my children. I still sometimes feel the anger rise to the surface, but I’m aware of why it is there. I know the signs that my body feels when that anger starts to show up and I have learned ways to stop it before I allow my anger to spill over onto the kids. The realization that the anger was there for a valid purpose, also freed me of the guilt that I feel when I do find myself getting upset with them. I am able to remind myself of the purpose of the anger and I can also remind myself that my voice matters. I am heard. So the next time you wonder why you are reacting the way that you are, take some time to ask yourself: Why? What is going on here? What is my body trying to protect me from? And remember, your body is doing it’s job. It is keeping you safe.

Your voice matters. You are heard.